Fears

PBW got me thinking about what I fear. I realized it isn't the rejection letters. I've dealt with rejection my whole life. It isn't pain, either. Been there, done that. I've already survived the most horrible experiences a sadist could think up. So what is it that I do fear?

I reflected on my life. I turned a full-ride academic scholarship at an Ivy League college into dropping out one semester short of a degree at the local community college. I became an ass wiper instead of a nurse. All along, I've wanted to write. Now, I get to the ending and rewrite the whole damn thing from scratch. Anyone see a pattern here?

26 years of not taking that final step to achieve. I always thought that ripping out an afghan on the last row to fix a flaw on the fifth was perfectionism. Wrongo, Heather baby. The thought of accomplishment makes me want to curl up into a ball, piss myself, and scream "Uncle."

I watched Coach Carter (awesome movie, btw) last night. I remembered the following lines today while pondering my wonderfully dysfunctional life. Perfect fit.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson