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You must keep sending work out; you must never let a manuscript do nothing but eat its head off in a drawer. You send that work out again and again, while you're working on another one. If you have talent, you will receive some measure of success - but only if you persist.
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Thursday, November 30

Ennui and Angst

As the few who read this could probably tell, I've been a bit silent lately.

Ennui and angst. They are my constant companions these days. Along with failure. I don't write. Or knit. Or...anything. But I work.

I've tried poetry. That used to help.
i'm tired

of the fight
for what's right
to see light
Words on a page. No relief. All I can do is go to work.

We're living with my sister-in-law. I failed at supporting my family. I should have worked more.

We're grieving, still, over the loss of my girlfriend's best friend and a good friend to me, too. I failed to see the signs. I should have looked closer.

The friend that was going to help when our life started crashing down around us, turned on us. I failed to remember that connections with people only hurt. I should have remembered the lessons I learned in foster care.

No matter what or how hard we try, nothing seems to be helping get us up on our feet.

I don't know if I will keep this here or not. I don't think I need to be spreading this around.

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5 Comments:

at 7:14 PM, November 30, 2006, Blogger Jean said...

Heather, more work doesn't always mean you can support your family any better. You're doing your best.

I've missed you here, have been concerned for you and your family, and keep you in my thoughts. I hope things will start going better for you soon. Tempting as it is to say it can't get any worse, I know it can. I just hope it doesn't. Somehow, you will find the strength to keep pushing through these hard times.

You can do it. Don't ever give up.

 
at 7:47 PM, November 30, 2006, Blogger Lisa said...

I am a former foster child and current advocate for people in and from foster care...

I'm so glad you posted!

1.) Have you heard of Foster Care Alumni of America? www.fostercarealumni.org

2.) You are obviously a writer. Might I have read any of your works? I'm in the process of trying to get a memoir published: www.sunshinegirlonarainyday.com

I have a blog of my own: http://sunshinegirlonarainyday.blogspot.com/

But since you are talking about relationships, I really, really want to invite you to visit my other blog at: http://fostercareattachment.blogspot.com/

I especially want you to see my most recent entry.

Relationships can hurt, but they can heal, too,

Lisa

 
at 7:49 PM, November 30, 2006, Blogger Lisa said...

PS - having grown up in foster care, I remember a quote that meant a lot to me at age 14:

"Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Cry and you cry alone."

But now that I am older, I try to make myself realize that it's bullshit. It's okay to be vulnerable once in a while.

Lisa

 
at 6:53 AM, December 03, 2006, Blogger Carter said...

Heather, you know I care about you and wish you only the best. Those "shoulds" are what is holding you back right now. Let me say this again: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS, only for your own. I'll write wth more.

In the meantime, keep your head up. Try to see possibilities rather than failure. It's hard to change you attitudes, but sometimes it's necessary.

 
at 6:08 PM, December 07, 2006, Blogger Teyla said...

Hang in there Heather

 

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